slap for fashion

Oh dear. Readers. Have you seen this new show on nbc, Fashion Star? What a piece of crap! For the past two weeks, I've tried to watch. Honestly I have. I gave each episode a solid 5 minutes of my attention. I mean, I like fashion. I like reality tv. You know what I don't like? This chick:

Whatever the hell she was wearing on her head last night made her look like a circus elephant. Are circus elephants trendy nowadays?

Oh they are? My bad. What do I know about fashion anyway? Smacking your face, Fashion Star.

Fighting the power

Today I'm giving my slap to the politicians & legislators in this country who are so actively cutting away at women's rights. It seems like I cannot go a single day without reading about some new wacko law that takes away birth control, limits sex education, or undermines Roe v. Wade.

Take note ladies. Even better, take down some notes, call your congressperson, senators and, yes, your President. Don't let them push us, and our daughters, back.

Snip. Snip. Slap!

Ummm. I’m stumped with this one, kids.  A urologist in Massachusetts is offering free pizzas to men who come in for a vasectomy during March Madness. Are men really that desperate for pizza that they are willing to undergo an uncomfortable surgical procedure? I mean, last time I checked, pizzas were a pretty readily available commodity in the United States. Maybe if this were Mumbai, where a pizza is probably more difficult to come by, maybe then pizza might be an incentive. 

Let’s weigh the options, shall we?  On one hand we’re talking about surgery, which is probably pretty expensive, right? And on the other hand, well, there’s pizza, which costs about 10 bucks and is available 24/7 pretty much everywhere. I'm not seeing the incentive there genius.

You should really consider smacking your marketing department. Oh heck, don’t worry about it. We’ll smack ‘em for you, with a slice of pepperoni.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/world/mad-mad-world/Now-get-free-pizza-for-undergoing-vasectomy/articleshow/12295243.cms

The History Channel

A big slap today to the History Channel, who's current lineup consists of... Top Gear (about cars), Top Shots (guns), Ax Men (trees) and Swamp People (your guess is as good as mine).

I ask you, dear readers, do any of the aforementioned shows have ANYTHING to do with history?  Yeah, not so much. What is is a desperate attempt to make as much cheap reality TV and cram it on a channel.   So, call it what it is, k?  The Weirdos Doing Weird Crap Channel. 

SLAP.

Idol slap!

Well well well. Jermaine Jones, you came across as such a sweet guy. So humble. So gracious. Then why, oh why did you get kicked off of American Idol after just one week of performance?

Hmmm... I decided to investigate! Seems you were a bit of a jackass, Mr. Jones. Seems you have a bit of a temper. Seems you "terrorized" Idol staff. Seems you, sir, are a big old lying sneaky jerk. Bummer. I liked your Barry White, Lutha vibe. But, that just means more people can vote for my gal Jessica Sanchez. Go 'head Jessica!

Inspirational Videos

This week I had the pleasure of going to a new employee orientation for my job.   A 2 day journey into corporate based health care.  Fun for all ages!

Seriously though, I don't mind sitting through most of this stuff.  From time to time something funny, like a trainer playing New York New York on a saxaphone (for real)  or someone arriving late after a break and having to do the chicken dance (also real).

Here's  what earns a slap- the use of the "Inspirational Video".   Really people?  You spend all this money producing videos that my 5 year old could make in mere seconds with her Fisher Price  camera.   Begin the cheesy musak in the background.  A photographer who gets paid tons of money to travel and shoot beautiful nature scenes is telling me how to bring creativity into my every day job.   Listen Mr. Geographic, I am all about creativity, and even can muster being excited for work every now and then, but there is no way  your job compares with my cubicle in a brown brick hospital building.   Do me, and everyone else a favor, save the money on the video, find us someone who actually WORKS where we do and have them come in for 10 minutes and inspire us. 

Thanks so much.  SLAPPING YOU.

Slap and the City

Dear Sarah Jessica,
Please. We implore you. Eat a sandwich. Carbs are you friend. You look more and more like a walking skeleton each time we see you on the red carpet.

I'm going to tell you a secret, SJP. The skinnier you get, the older you look. It's true honey. You're looking a bit like the crypt keeper here (with Alf hair).

Now go, have some french fries before I slap you with a string of sausage links.

Parking garages

Why oh why are parking garages designed like labyrinths?  Must I really loop up & down a garage 20 times to get the heck out?  Who designs these things anyway?  

SLAP.

Slap You, Mike Seaver

Kirk Cameron is a smacked ass. No wonder he is the recipient of today's slappage.

http://www.eonline.com/news/kirk_cameron_defends_himself_it_my/299128

Flying the not-so-friendly skies

Airlines.  They are truly pure evil. 

I'm not a big flier, I get on a plane maybe once a year.   But yesterday I had the "pleasure" of flying one of the nation's biggest airlines (rhymes with slighted) from Orlando to Philly.  There was an issue with a delay on a previous flight which was delayed 5 hours, which caused my flight to be delayed almost 4 hours. 

 Listen, I'm a reasonable human being, I understand that flight delays are inevitable.  But, what made me mad enough to slap 'em was the attitude from customer service. After hour 2, I very calmly approached the "service" desk to ask the status of the flight  (or maybe quieter places to sit with my overtired 5 year old), I was blatantly ignored by not one, not two, but three attendants, who seemed to be more concerned about their coffee break than my existence. This went on & on for some time until I walked away from the podium, then sat down next to my husband and loudly said "Maybe I  should call the main office if no one will help me here".  Suddenly, it's like a switch goes off in their collective brains and they actually start trying to help customers and its all sunshine smiles and rainbows.

If I remember correctly, I'm pretty sure our tax dollars went to bailing these suckers out back in 2001.  And, I'm damn sure I personally forked over $630 for tickets and $50 for luggage fees on this trip alone.  So, maybe a little less sighing and a little  more smiling from the start could have made this a lot more tolerable and save them from the

SLAP.



Another Repeat Offender!

Cheese and rice, Rick Santorum. What are we going to do with you??

Have you seen this bit of nonsense?

Oh sweet baby jesus, if this guy gets elected president the United States will be a laughing stock.

weird science

Happy Monday loyal reader(s)! It's a good day for a slapping. I'm feeling a little lazy today, so instead of writing, I'm going to direct you to this little bit of crazy right here: http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/foghorn-load-jump.php

And a big fat slap in the face to science!

Dear loyal reader(s)

Half of the daily bitchslap team is going on vacation tomorrow (slap!)(I kid!), which leaves the onus of entertaining the masses on me for the next week. It's a big responsibility, slapping a bitch, but I promise to make you proud of me, mama! Stay tuned...

I admit it, I'm a big fan of reality TV. And, until they lost my all time favorite (Project Runway), I loved reality TV on Bravo. But, there is a limit, my friends. The "Real Housewives" have pushed me over that limit. Look at this photo above. Ok. Got it?

There is nothing REAL or HOUSEWIVES about any of these women. They are compromised a not-so delicate balance of silicone, botox and overpriced (and overshort) designer clothing. All of these women have have obsene amounts of money, nannies, housekeepers, maids, cooks, cars, clothes and weaves.

As someone who actually IS a working mom, and was a stay-at-home mom for almost 2 years post baby, the existance of these shows drives me crazy. I'd love to see Bravo pay me over 30,000 a day to follow me around. Think they'd go for it?

Presidential Slap - part deux

Dear Rick Santorum,
I disliked you all the years you spent representing the great state of Pennsylvania as a senator. I simply cannot stand by and allow you to take over the nation. I will fight you and your ridiculous propaganda with every fiber of my being.

Are you seriously telling me that as a potential president of the United States, you want the world to remember you as that guy who said, “Satan has his sights on the United States of America!” I mean really. Satan? What about Voldemort, is he coming for us too? Melkor? The Riddler?

I don't know about you, but when I hear a potential leader of one of the most powerful nations in the world speak of the big bad wolf coming to blow our house down, it makes me a little nervous. You, sir, deserve a good slapping. 

Someone needs to save that allowance for therapy.

First, an apology to our loyal readers for the lack of slappage.  The evil germs floating through our area have been hitting us hard.  But, we rested, drank orange juice and are feeling ready to slap!

That being said... awhile back we ran across this article Barbie World.  Ok, so I really don't get this in ANY way.  This takes stage moms/pageant moms to a whole new level of disturbing.  This is truly sickening.   And this woman is either 1) absolutely insane 2) pulling all of this for publicity.   Either way, she is really messing her kid up royally, in ways I am sure she doesn't even realize fully yet.

So, here's to you "Barbie Mom", a big, fat, plastic slap. 

Today's slap goes to...

...People who hate themselves so much they will use any substance, no matter how bizarre or toxic, to escape from... themselves.

Have you heard of people using "bath salts" to get high? No? I hadn't either until a potential patient of mine was flagged for "bath salt abuse." Now I'm not talking about actual bath salts (the kind you use for, you know, a bath). No, the bath salts I'm talking about are these synthetic stimulants that people can buy on line or in a shady store near you. In many states, buying these substances is 100% legal. They might get you high, but they might also make you violent, psychotic, or very very sick.

Doesn't anyone just drink anymore? Sheesh. You're freaking me out people. Quit the synthetic marijuana, the paint thinner, the aerosol cans... Is life really THAT BAD?

Slapping you all.

Prop 8



So today we are taking a stand with the 9th US District Court of Appeals (9th District)  and slapping down Proposition 8.  

Prop 8, for those of you not aware, is/was the California ban on gay marriage.  Since then, it's been thrusting the issue of gay rights into the national spotlight, encouraging wide spread rights campaigns (like the NoH8 campaign) and debates across the country. This GLORIOUS decision by the court was summarized by Judge Stephen Reinhardt:  "Proposition 8 serves no purpose, and has no effect, other than to lessen the status and human dignity of gays and lesbians in California, and to officially reclassify their relationships and families as inferior to those of opposite-sex couples...The Constitution simply does not allow for 'laws of this sort'."

So take that Prop 8!  Take your narrow-minded fear and shove it.   Because gay rights are HUMAN rights and two consenting adults should be able to marry whomever they choose.

As the great RuPaul says, Everybody say LOVE.  (And, say SLAP YOU to Prop 8)

Doesn't get much sleezier than this!

Who are we going to slap today, you ask? This guy! What would any rational criminal do when facing prison and the potential loss of his fortune? Adopt his 42-year-old girlfriend, of course! Makes perfect sense. Drive drunk, kill someone in the process, and then play the system so that the deceased family can't take his money. Cream of the creep crop, I tell ya! Slapping you, your "daughter," your attorney and the United States legal system. For f*ck sake.

Like a SLAP

Super bowl Sunday.  I was forced to watch a football game by family, waiting for what seemed like ages for the half-time show.   I was waiting for Madonna, because the girl has been talking some mean game lately (see here and here).   After her "performance", I was underwhelmed to say the least. She looked subdued, almost fell, and her backup dancers were WAY more exciting than she was.   For a woman who is asking her fans to shell out $300 to see her live, I'd expect her to bring it.   But what I got was less compelling than a cheap drag show.

Madge, today's slap goes to you.  If you are so superior to everyone else, you better start performing like it. 

Super SLAP

I just do NOT get the Super Bowl.  Football is 90% of the reason, its a sport I cannot get into no matter how much I try.   The other 10% is the sheer amount of crazy surrounding the bowl.  New TV purchases, oversized pizzas, and constant requests to spend my hard earned money on "block" betting.  And then, after the boring 4 hours are over, we get a week of mulling by fans about the game, the plays, and the commercials.  Meh.  Give me some Stanley Cup action over this monstrosity of a sporting event any day. 

(Slap) the Police!

Slap, slap SLAP the po-lice! <---Imagine I'm singing this Public Enemy style. You got me? Okay, good.

Now, generally speaking, I'm grateful to the men and women who risk their lives on a daily basis to keep the peace and keep us safe. However, there are a bunch of bad apples spoiling the orchard these days: see here, here, and here.

In the latest incident of boys in blue behaving badly, officers stood by and watched as hundreds of angry soccer football fans literally beat the shit out of each other. I mean it, there was crap everywhere ;). Not only did the police do nothing to stop the fighting, they decided it was a good idea to keep the stadium gates locked so that no one could leave. The result? Pandemonium. Read this.and watch the videos. I swear, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried! 

Susan G. Komen gets double slapped!

So, we've already slapped the Susan G. Komen organization here before, but we must not have done so hard enough because they earned another hard one today.

Recently, Susan G. Komen announced it will no longer provide grants or grant assistance to Planned Parenthood (see a full article here:   NPR full story )  What does this mean? Well, it means that Planned Parenthood will have to cut down on providing.... wait for it..... mammograms.  

Just brilliant Susan G.   You want to save the boobies but have ended contribution to fund preventative steps that help do just that.  And why?  Because of a political l inquiry by Congress lead by an anti-abortion representative from Florida.  

This is flabbergastingly frustrating.  

Today, Susan G Komen, your organization gets the first official Daily Bitchslap repeat slappage. 

Occupy your face!

Dear Occupy Oakland,
What on earth is wrong with you? What good do you think will come of violence and vandalism? Didn't this begin as a peaceful protest? Shame on you. If you are going to protest corporate America, if you are going to protest income inequality, don't do it by desecrating your already impoverished city. Now your tax money can go to fixing the mess you made instead of being invested in job creation. Idiots.
Signed, The Daily Bitchslap.

Learned Behavior

Today's slapping is dedicated to people who curse like vagrant pirate sailor hookers in front of their kids and wonder why "they gotta act like that" when the kid displays the same behavior.

As a regular commuter on public transit, I get to see this fine parenting skill live in action, twice a day. Parents throw their kid down on the seat, start talking at a volume that would be loud for a rock stadium, about their deadbeat Dad/Boyfriend/Husband who is slackin on the child support and those F bombs start FLYING.

Let me just say that I am no prude when it comes to swearing. I like a good curse word just as much as the next person. But, "fuck" should not be the noun, verb, pronoun, adverb AND adjective of your sentance. Plus, your kids are pretty much a mini-you. That old commercial, "I learned it by watching YOU", about sums it up.

Also, at 7:45 in the morning, on my way to another hellish day at the office, I'd like to listen to my music thankyouverymuch. Bitchslappage all around.

You didn't think we'd let this slide, did you?

This is a sure fire way to tell the world one thing: "I've given up." Slapping your face

another skinny bitchslap

The lovely Demi Moore is making entertainment headlines again. Seems that she and hubby Ashton Kutcher are finally calling it quits (shocking, I know), and the stress in her life has become too much to bear causing the actress to be hospitalized for “exhaustion.” We have nothing against the metabolically challenged over here at the daily bitchslap, but something tells me that Ms. Moore might feel a whole lot better if she ate a big plate of pasta and a bowl of ice cream. Trust me, honey, you can use the calories. Calorie = unit of energy. EAT!! I'd slap you, but I'm afraid I'd knock you over.

Zooey?!?



Maybe I'm off my rocker on this one, but I just do not get that Zooey Dechanel.  Sure, she was relatively cute and funny in "Elf", but besides that, not much of her other work is appealing to me.  And, ok, she can play the ukulele and sound all mopey.  Her TV show is truly the most annoying, self-indulgent piece of crap on TV next to that new Chelsea Handler sitcom.  In pictures, she is always styled in this vague 1950's retro look (see above). Girl, fire the publicist who let THAT picture be in a major fashion magazine, it looks like you're pooping very expensive shoes.   Not so good.  I think a firm shake up of her image as America's-Hipster-Cottonwearing-Anthroshopping-It-Girl would do her some good, and possibly not make me gag every time I see her.  

Slap.

Hello?.... SLaP!

Need I say more? Now knock it off. Slapping your faces!

Marky Mark

 

Well, there are many sure fire ways to kill the promotion of and sales from your new movie.  And our buddy here, Mark Wahlberg, aka Marky Mark (circa "the Funky Bunch") sure picked a good one!

In case you've missed it, here's what Mark said recently while giving an interview for Men's Journal :

"If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn't have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, 'OK, we're going to land somewhere safely, don't worry,'" 

So, he's since recanted and apologized (sort of).  But, let's break it down kiddies.  This guy pretends to be a badass in movies, and I'm sure he's pretty strong, but he is absolutely freaking delusional here.  The Funky One seems to be forgetting that he does NOT really beat up bad guys or solve crimes or rescue damsels in distress.  His stunt men do.  In a movie.

Do yourself a favor Marky, slap yourself silly.  You need it.

SLAPPAGE!