A Presidential Slap

C’mon. It had to be done, right? Yesterday, we heard a lot of news regarding the presidential hopefuls for the Republican Party. Oops, we make a mistake: Satorum, you win Iowa. Mitt, nanny nanny boo boo, you lose. And that other guy dropped out. What was his name again? Oh yeah, who cares? But the biggest news had to come from Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife who decided to tell the nation that Mr. Conserative not only cheated on her (which we knew) but that he wanted to have his mistress and eat her too. Uh, I mean…

It has been ingrained in our brains that the Republican Party stands for family values, conservative politics, and faith in God. Yet this guy, this thrice married adulterer, honestly asked his wife for an open marriage? I thought Romney was the Mormon?  ZING!

Sorry, Newt. You win the honor of today’s slap in the face. Is this the best the Republican Party can do? I don’t think so.

People in crosswalks

If you are in a crosswalk, your main objective should be to  (wait for it) --- walk.  I know this may be shocking, but that is the goal.  Getting from one side of the pathway to the other quickly, and without getting run over.  Simple as that.

But most people act like they are taking a leisurely stroll around the park, with nothing better to do then stop and smell the roses.   There are no roses, or cupcakes for that matter, in a crosswalk, so keep walkin'.  If you're old, or disabled, you get a pass, otherwise, snap to it!

A brisk pace wouldn't hurt either.  Hey, you might even burn off some of that Burger King!

Slappin' your face.

Slap for the Cure

Alright, so maybe it's not particularly politically correct to want to bitchslap cancer walks in the face, but to hell with it. You're getting a slap right across the cheek, Susan G. Komen 3-day! Were you aware of the fact that in order to walk in this particular fundraising event, you have to pledge to raise... drum roll please.... TWENTY THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS! American dollars! PER PERSON! Can you believe this? For arguments sake, let's say that Aunt Judy over in Tallahassee recently lost her battle with breast cancer, and you desperately want to walk in her honor. But as you know, we're in a recession and you've tried your best but can only raise $500. Tough titties, honey. No walk for you.

You know what I call this? I call it Extortion. You can take your 3 day and shove it. WA-BAM! Slap in the face.

Angelia Jolie

Continuing yesterday's theme of celebrity, I would like to personally devote today's slap to Angelina Jolie. 

Here's a recent shot of the star:

Her work with humanitarian agencies is very admirable, to be fair.  However, Mrs. Pitt needs two things:  a slap, and a sandwich.   That is some scary back bone display.  Despite the fact that she is styled horribly, she looks desperately hungry and Mr. Pitt looks like he needs to hold her up for fear of fainting.   I get that Hollywood's women are, in large percent, basically paid stick bugs, but Angie is taking it too far.   A sandwich, a beer, and even a good plate of pasta would do the girl wonders.  Food is your friend, Angie.

Slap you in the face.  With a pizza.

Golden Globes

Five minutes into the broadcast, I wanted to PUNCH the Golden Globes, the Hollywood Foreign Press, Kate Winslet, and America. That's right, America. Pow, right in the kisser.

Congratulations, you got paid millions of dollars to act like someone else. Go you. Watching your self-important acceptance speeches, you bunch of vapid talk-boxes, I found myself wishing I had Oedipus's courage so I could gouge out my own eyes. But then I wouldn't have been able to see Madonna, with her phony accent and inability to speak in full sentences, try to bring back the single glove. They're playing the music, honey. Shut the fuck up.

Oh, and a big fat bitchslap to myself for watching.